Gotham Meets The Funnies
by bradp521
Summary: With Superman unavailable for him to harass, Mxyzptlk decides to come visit Gotham and wreak havoc there for a while!
1. Introduction and Robin & Luann

"Leave. Now."

The low voice. The "look". It usually got the reaction he was looking for.

The imp, however, was unimpressed.

"Oh for McGurk's sake, Batman, what's your problem? I come all this way to see Superman, and he's off on some intergalactic jaunt, so out of all the places I could've visited while I wait, I picked Gotham." The gold and purple clad visitor paused for a moment before adding, "I'd think you'd be honored."

Batman didn't budge.

"You're not welcome here, Mxyzptlk. I won't have you causing trouble in my city," he growled.

"Fine. Be that way." A flash and Batman was standing alone atop police headquarters. The doors opened, and Commissioner Gordon burst onto the roof, followed closely by Bullock and Montoya.

"Batman, is everything alright?" Gordon asked.

"Possibly," replied the Dark Knight, "but somehow, I doubt it." And with that he swung off into the night.

**********

If he had been in Robinson Park, Batman would have seen how valid those doubts were. Strolling along the empty moonlit paths was Mr. Mxyzptlk.

"That's the trouble with Gotham, no fun in this place. Just lots of old buildings, weird bad guys, ---"

A newspaper blowing along the ground was swept up by a sudden gust of wind and wound up plastered against the imp's face. From underneath the paper came the annoyed voice again.

"-- and litter. Lots of litter."

He pulled the paper off his face, and as he was about to throw it aside, something caught his eye.

"Saaay, that's it! They need fun, and there's all kinds of fun right here. What say we bring them together?"

A wave of his hand and a quick flash later, Gotham was .... different.

**********

"Robin, status report."

"Nothing much, Batman," replied the current Boy Wonder. "Certainly nothing that smacks of Mxyzptlk. No talking statues or anything like that." He paused for a moment and said, "Just a minute, there may be something small. I can handle it, though. Robin out."

What caught his eye was in the parking lot of a strip mall. Two teenage girls were arguing, and a boy about their age was trying to calm them down to no avail.

"What's the problem, ladies?" Robin said, dropping lightly to the ground.

The two girls stopped arguing and stared at him.

"Ohmygaw, it's Robin!" exclaimed one of the girls. "Robin, I'm a big fan of yours! I mean really big! Huge!"

The second girl stepped quickly toward Robin and said, "Don't pay any attention to Luann. Hi, my name's Tiffany."

Luann quickly stepped forward. "Wait a minute, Tiffany. I was talking to him first."

"Talking?" Tiffany laughed. "Babbling is more like it." Turning to Robin. she said, "You'll have to forgive Luann, Robin. She keeps forgetting who's on the cheer squad and who's on the plain and boring squad." Reaching to take his arm, she said, "So, what brings a cute hero like you to the mall?"

Robin disentangled himself from Tiffany and tried to reassert control. "It looked like you two were fighting. What was it about?"

"Um, that would be me," said the boy.

"Aaron, we weren't fighting over you," Luann said. "We were fighting over the way Tiffany thinks she owns you, which is completely different. Right, Bernice?"

A third girl who had been standing off to the side raised her hands and said, "Don't get me into this. I've watched you and Tiffany go back and forth over boys since grade school." Turning to Robin, Bernice added, "It's a no-win situation."

"Look at it this way, Luann," Tiffany said, "now you can have Aaron and I'll take Robin. Seems fair to me!"

"HOLD IT!" Robin took a step back and said, "How about you head for your homes, peacefully?"

Aaron shrugged and as he began to leave, Tiffany said, "There he goes, Luann, better hurry and catch him."

By the time she had turned back around, though, Robin was gone. Bernice and Luann were halfway down the block to her left. Aaron was headed to her right, and she was standing alone in the parking lot.

For a moment she scowled, then remembering she was a cheerleader, she replaced the scowl with a pout and stalked off.

**********

"Situation's clear," Robin reported in as he watched the teens depart from on top of a nearby building. "Just a couple girls fighting over a boy. I think I know what the imp's up to, though."

"What's that?" came the terse reply.

"Let's put it this way. Have you ever read the paper and gone past the crime stories and the business news to get to the funnies?"


	2. Spoiler & The Family Circus

Stephanie Brown was not where she was supposed to be. She was supposed to be going to the post office to pick up some stamps for her mother. Instead, though, she was on a rooftop overlooking a park, wearing the guise of Spoiler.

"I don't remember hearing that Dad had escaped," she thought to herself, "But who else would leave a trail this lame?"

Spoiler's father, the Cluemaster, had been caught more than once because of the clues he felt compelled to leave behind, so when she drove past the park and saw a long trail, consisting of large dashes, she pulled into a metered lot and switched to her "working clothes".

"If he wants to be followed, I'll follow him," she thought, "But I'll do it with my eyes open, like Robin always tells me to. "

So off she went, following the long dashed line. First she went across the park to a merry-go-round and circled every horse. Then she swung herself across the monkey bars.

The trail then led up a walnut tree, so up she went, then down the other side.

"I'm following the trail," she wondered, "but where are the clues? Seems like he's just going around the park pointlessly."

She heard a sound behind and spun around to find Robin standing there.

"What're you doing, Steph?" he asked curiously.

Ignoring his reference to her "real" name, she said, "I saw this trail, and seemed like something my dad would do, so I thought I'd follow it and see if he had escaped."

Robin looked at the trail, then pointed behind her. "Did you notice that, since you entered the park, you started leaving a trail just like it?"

Spoiler did a double-take as she saw the second trail that was following her.

"What the - ?" she exclaimed. "How's that happening?"

"I think I know," Robin answered, "And it doesn't have anything to do with your father." He led her quickly ahead to a boy who was busily making the final alterations to a fort in the sandbox.

"Are you Billy?" Robin asked.

The boy looked up and nodded. "Uh huh, I'm looking for our dog, Barfy, 'cause he got away when my sister Dolly was taking him for a walk this morning."

Robin sternly replied, "And is Barfy in the sand fort?"

"Nope," said Billy. "I was just takin' a break."

"You should probably find him and head home, then," Robin said. "Your Mom and Dad will get worried, and they'll probably bring Dolly, P.J. and Jeffy out with them to look for you."

Billy stood up, brushed the sand off of his hands, and said, "Okay, bye." Then he headed out of the park, again leaving a trail of black dashes behind him.

Underneath her mask, Spoiler had a confused look on her face. "Is that who I think it was?"

Robin nodded. "Mxyzptlk is in town."

"And he's bringing the funnies to life here in Gotham?"

"Right again," said the Boy Wonder. He handed her a small communication device and said, "Here, you can get ahold of me through Oracle if you see anything else that seems a little -- "

"Funny?" she finished for him, with a chuckle.

Robin rolled his eyes, and shot a line into the air. Swinging off, he thought, "This could be a loooong night."


	3. Batman & FoxTrot

Batman listened to Robin's report of his encounter with Spoiler and Billy as he drove through the Gotham streets, passing by Robinson Park as was the norm when on patrol. The park was beginning to disappear in his rear view mirror when there was a sudden flash above the trees.

Interrupting Robin, he barked, "Oracle, come in."

"Right here, Batman," she replied.

"Any reports of planned fireworks in the Robinson Park area tonight?" he asked.

After the briefest of pauses, she answered, "None that I can find mention of."

A query to the Batcomputer revealed that all the usual suspects known to dabble in explosives were either in custody or believed to be out of the city. He'd have to treat this as a possible new threat.

The Dark Knight swiftly reversed course, heading back to the park. Leaping from the car, he swiftly made his way into the park, stepping up his speed at a new explosion. As he burst into a clearing, he saw two small figures kneeling in a clearing. Just as he was about to call out to them, there was another fiery burst, followed by cheers.

"It went higher that time, Marcus," said one of the boys, blond and wearing thick glasses. The second boy, apparently Marcus, replied,

"Jason, maybe if we add a little more fuel this time, we'll achieve escape velocity."

This time, the projectile landed at Batman's feet. Picking it up, he saw that it was a half-melted model rocket. Pasted to the side of the rocket was a picture of a teenage girl.

Striding forward before they could fire anything else, Batman barked, "What are you two boys doing?!"

They turned to look at him, and Jason said to his friend, "Cool, it's some guy in a cheap Darth Vader outfit."

"I am NOT Darth Vader," growled the Dark Knight. "I am the Batman! Now what are you doing?"

"We're protecting the world from alien invasion," replied Marcus, as if it should have been obvious.

"Alien invasion?" Batman asked.

"Sure," said Jason. "We figure that if we send up a rocket with my sister Paige's picture on it, it'll scare off the aliens and they won't invade."

"Oracle, did you get that?" Batman said into his communicator.

"I got it, but I don't believe it," she said. "Ask Jason if his last name is Fox, and if he has a brother Peter."

Batman asked the question, and Jason answered, "Yep, AND I've got an iguana named Quincy, who is better looking than my sister."

"They're from a comic strip," said Oracle, with obvious bewilderment. "They should exist in the real world like you and I do at all."

"Except for Mxyzptlk," Batman growled. Then he turned to the boys, gathered up their model rockets and fuel, and said, "Go home. Stay out of the park, especially at night. And no more explosives."

"Aw, man," whined Jason as he and Marcus walked empty-handed toward the park's entrance.

As Batman strode back to the Batmobile, he heard Marcus say, "Maybe instead of a rocket, we can try a satellite transmission. We'll use the picture you have of Paige's face on a baboon." With that, the two boys clapped hands in a "high five" and ran out of the park and down the street.


	4. Oracle & Dilbert

The Clocktower didn't normally get visitors, so when the bell rang, Barbara Gordon raised her eyebrows and glanced at the security monitor. By the time the doorbell rang a second time, she had run the license number on the overnight express truck and the name on his ID badge. Both checked out, and she wheeled herself into the elevator and down to the front door.

"Package for Barbara Gordon," the man said. "Please sign here."

She glanced at the return address on the packing slip and said, "I'm sorry, there must be some mistake. I haven't ordered anything from this company. I've never even heard of this company."

The man shrugged and said, "I just deliver them, Ma'am. If it's a mistake, most places will pay for shipping to return."

She signed the form and carried the package back upstairs.

**********

"Tech support, Alice speaking. How can I help you?"

"Hi, this is Barbara Gordon, I received a package from your company that I didn't order. I was trying to reach customer service to find out why it arrived."

"Sorry, we don't have enough customers to have a customer services department, so our pointy-haired boss decided that engineers could design the next device that marketing will misrepresent and answer customer questions at the same time."

Barbara sighed and said, "Okay, well, can you tell me why I received this electric hair hologram projector?"

"WHAT? I thought they killed that project. I told Wally that thing wouldn't work," sputtered Alice. She muttered, "Must - control - fist - of - death..."

"Excuse me?" Barbara replied, thinking that this sounded vaguely familiar.

"Please hold, I'm transferring you," followed by a click and a couple of rings.

"You've reached the desk of Wally. If it's Monday, I'm taking a personal day. If it's a day beginning with T, I am on a quest for office supplies that I can take home. If it's Wednesday, I'm talking to the trolls in accounting to get Dilbert's budget transferred to my project. If it's Friday, I'm developing a new program that will make engineers irresistible to women. If you are a woman who would like to be a test subject, wait for the beep. Otherwise, hit 274618953 on your touchtone phone."

Barbara sighed again and entered the numbers.

"Hello? Dogbert? I told you not to call me at work."

"I'm sorry," she said, "I'm not Dogbert. I was referred by a Wally."

"Wally? I'm not Wally. I'm Dilbert. Please hold."

Suddenly, she found herself listening to the Boston Pops playing the greatest hits of the Rolling Stones. She began to rub her temples when the music was suddenly replaced with a recorded message saying, "You've reached Dogbert's outsourced call-forwarding service. Your credit card has been charged $125 to cover the cost of forwarding your call from one cubicle to another by way of Los Angeles, Calcutta, Vladivostok, Cairo, Munich, Helsinki, and Bangor, Maine."

"DOGBERT?" she exclaimed, swearing under her breath before hanging up. Speaking into her communication console, she said tersely, "Batman, it looks like Mxyzptlk brought another one of the comics to life."

After she relayed the details to him, he asked, "Anything else?"

Glancing over at the package on the table, she answered, "Do you know anybody who's bald and has a death wish?"


	5. Batgirl & Hagar The Horrible

Oracle was still fuming when Batgirl stopped by before going out on her patrol. Batgirl listened closely as Oracle explained what was happening with the various comic strip characters.

"Just stay in touch, and keep an eye out for anything that seems strange and out of place," Oracle finished. With a nod, Batgirl slipped out the window of the Watchtower and into the Gotham night air.

Gotham was relatively quiet that night, by Gotham standards at least. By midnight, she had only broken up two muggings, one assault, three acts of vandalism, and a car jacking. She was making a pass by the docks when she noticed an odd-looking, sail-powered ship. She dropped onto the roof of a warehouse to look more closely.

There was a roughly-dressed group of men sleeping in various positions on the deck, but no sign of movement otherwise. She shrugged and was about to leave when she caught some movement out of the corner of her eye.

Two men were walking back toward the strange ship, both dressed like the crew. One of the men was slim and wearing what looked like a funnel on his head. He kept looking around nervously as he followed the other man, a burly fellow with a full red beard and a helmet with two horns on it.

The first man carried what appeared to be an empty gunny sack and said, "Hagar, what do you suppose they meant by that?"

"I don't know, Eddie," said Hagar. "I've seen lots of reactions from people when they see a Viking, but they've never laughed before."

Eddie nodded morosely and added, "And who are the 'Packers' that they said could whip the Vikings any Sunday?"

Batgirl didn't understand the reference any more than Hagar and Eddie did, but what she did understand was the sword she saw Hagar carrying. She dropped down into the path of the two befuddled men and, pointing to Hagar's sword, said, "Stop. Drop sword."

Hagar look at what was to him a very oddly dressed woman, but only for a second before he raised his sword in the air and said, "Are you challenging Hagar The Horrible?"

Before he could blink, she had leapt in the air and kicked the sword out of his hand. Another kick, and Hagar was sitting on the ground rubbing his side.

Pointing to his ship, she said, "Go. Leave sword."

Hagar pointed at the sword, which was now in two pieces, the handle having separated from the blade, and he said, "I can't leave now. You have to help me first."

"Help you?" Batgirl asked. "Help how?"

* * *

Oracle looked up as Batgirl came through the window.

"Finished already?" she asked.

Batgirl shook her head, and handing Oracle a pen and paper said, "Not finished. Need a note. In Norweeejin."

Oracle raised her eyebrows and took the pad. "A note in Norwegian? And what does it need to say?"

Batgirl paused, before slowly reciting from memory, "Dear Helga, Hagar didn't break new sword. I did. Let him go to pub anyway. Signed, Batgirl."


	6. Huntress & Calvin and Hobbes

8:30 a.m.

Taking a deep breath, Helena Bertinelli rose from her chair at and addressed the 20-25 fourth grade students who were settling into their seats.

"Hi, I'm Miss Bertinelli," she said. "Your teacher, Mrs. Grayson, fell over the weekend and broke her arm. She's fine, but I'll be subbing for her for a few days."

She began taking attendance, and about halfway through, a boy in the back of the room called out, "Hey, you missed somebody."

Helena glanced quickly at the seating chart. "Calvin," she said, "it's really not polite to interrupt. If you need to ask a question or tell me something, raise your hand until I call on you. Okay?"

"Okay," he said, "but you missed Hobbes."

She looked over the list of students and said, "Calvin, there's no Hobbes listed here. Are you trying to play a joke on the substitute teacher?"

Calvin held up a stuffed tiger and said, "It's no joke. He's here, see? You have to make him down as present, too."

Helena raised her eyebrows. "I don't think so, Calvin. Now please be quiet, and let me finish calling attendance."

In response, Calvin got up and stood on his chair. Folding his arms, he said loudly, "You all saw it. Anti-tiger bias. She's discriminating against Hobbes. Call the ACLU. Call the President. Call the --"

She interrupted him, saying, "Calvin, that's enough. I don't want to start off by telling somebody they have to stay after school, but if that's what you want me to, I can. Now sit down and be quiet."

10:00 a.m.

Helena followed the students in from recess, and she was about to begin with the day's math lesson when she noticed an empty seat.

"Where's Calvin?" she asked.

Her question was answered for her when a voice rang out from inside the supply closet.

"You Glaxorian slobber monsters can't stop Spaceman Spiff!" With that, the door flew open, and a blonde flash ran across the back of the room to a bookcase and began climbing it.

Helena picked Calvin up off the bookcase and stood him on his feet. "I think that's just about enough. You just earned some time after school cleaning the blackboards.

1:30 p.m.

Helena was writing on the board when a wad of paper hit her in the shoulder.

"What the- ," she said, bending down to pick it up. Flattening it out, she saw that it read, "Tigers Forever! No diskriminashun!"

"Calvin!" she said, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Don't look at me," the boy said. "Hobbes did it. He's been testy ever since you ignored him during attendance."

Helena took a deep breath, allowing herself a few thoughts about the possible educational uses for a crossbow.

"Okay, that's it," she said. "Let's go to Mr. Dixon's office."

3:30 p.m.

Helena watched as Calvin finished cleaning the blackboards.

"Okay," she said, "You can go. And tomorrow, let's see if you can behave a little better. No more of what we saw today, right?"

"Of course not," he said. "It'll be a new day. I gotta do new stuff."

She waited until he was out the door to allow herself a small groan before her cell phone rang. She opened the phone and said, "Hello, this is Helena."

A familiar woman's voice on the other end said, "Huntress, this is Oracle. Have you seen anything out of the ordinary today?"

"You mean like a fourth grader that makes Two-Face seem pleasant?"


	7. Black Canary & Lucy Van Pelt

The woman reached the end of the alley and turned to face her three pursuers, terror etched on her face.

"Hey, beautiful," said the leader of the trio, "All we wanted was a little fun. You made us chase you, though, so I guess that'll mean fun for us but not for you. Isn't that right, guys?"

Instead of an answer, all he heard was the whoosh of the air rapidly expelled from their lungs, and he turned to see Dinah Lance, better known as the Black Canary, standing at the alley entrance, his companions flat on the ground at her feet.

Pulling a knife, he said, "Hey, the more the merrier. Plenty to go around." With that, he lunged forward, only to have the knife unceremoniously kicked out of his hand. A few seconds more, and he was on the ground with a boot in his chest and a very angry woman looking down at him.

"What's wrong with guys today?" she snapped. "You think women are here just for your amusement and pleasure? Bet you've never been used for someone else's 'pleasure', have you?"

"Please," said a voice at her side, and Dinah looked to see their erstwhile victim standing there. "You've stopped them. Let the police take it from here."

Dinah took a deep breath and said, "Thanks. You're right. These lowlifes aren't worth the effort, anyway." She secured the wrists all three would-be assailants and turned them over to the officers who had just driven up.

She was about to leave when the woman she had rescued said, "Miss Canary, can I ask you something?"

"It's Dinah," she replied. "Sure, go ahead."

"You just seem, well, really mad. Like it was more than just what these guys were trying to do. Are you doing okay?"

Dinah grimaced as she realized the woman was right. Then she sighed and said, "You're right. Guy trouble sort of had me hot under the collar to begin with. You know, you can't live with 'em and you can't stuff 'em in a cannon and shoot them into space."

The woman nodded before saying, "I understand. But you really should talk to somebody about that." With that, she turned to the police officer who was waiting not so patiently for her statement. Dinah, on the other hand, began to head down the street to where her car was parked.

"Hey, lady!" a very young voice called out to her. Dinah looked up and saw that it belonged to a little boy sitting on the steps of a building across the street. She shrugged and went over to the boy.

Crouching in front of the boy, Dinah asked, "What did you need?"

"I heard what that lady said," the boy answered. "There's somebody you can talk to over on Schultz Street. She's got a stand set up and everything."

"A stand? Like a lemonade stand?" Dinah asked. "I'm not sure I understand."

The boy sighed and rolled his eyes. Then he got up and grabbed Dinah's hand and began to pull her along after him. Dinah went along, more for the amusement than anything else. Besides, he was a cute kid who obviously meant well.

The boy led her down one block and then over one more to the park across from a grade school. Pointing, he said, "I was talking about her." There, in the park, was a booth that looked a lot like a lemonade stand, except that the sign above said, "Psychiatric help 5¢" and the front of the booth said, "The doctor is in." Seated behind the booth was a dark-haired girl who was drumming her fingers impatiently as she looked around to see if anybody was coming.

A gentle push from the boy got Dinah moving toward the booth, and she thought, "Why not play along? Give the kid some fun." With that, she plopped on the stool in front of the booth.

The girl smiled at Dinah and said, "Lucy Van Pelt at your service. How can I help?"

"Well," said Dinah. "There's this guy, named Ollie. We've been going out for a long time. I love him, and I know he loves me, but I can't seem to get him to see that we should settle down together."

Lucy nodded sagely, "I understand perfectly. Here's what you do. Do you have your cell phone with you?"

Dinah pulled out the phone and said, "Yes, here it is."

"Okay," Lucy said. "Call him up."

Dinah dialed the number and said, "It's ringing."

Lucy took the phone from Dinah, and listened as a man's voice on the other end said, "This is Ollie."

Lucy took a deep breath, then yelled into the phone, "YOU BLOCKHEAD!" She then snapped the phone shut, handed it to Dinah and said, "That'll be five cents, please."

**********

Oliver Queen just stared at his cell phone for a moment before dialing another number. "Oracle? Green Arrow here. Is Dinah alright?"

"Far as I know," Oracle said. "What happened?"

Oliver explained, and with that, Oracle rolled over to a wall chart listing a number of the most popular comics, and after "Peanuts", she wrote in "Black Canary". She then told him what had been going on, and said she'd let him know if anything else happened. They hung up, and after looking at the chart for a few minutes, Oracle rolled back to her computer and muttered to herself, "And Ollie, sometimes you ARE a blockhead."


	8. Catwoman & Garfield

Selina Kyle parked her car in front of the non-descript restaurant and pulled out her cell phone.

"Holly? Hi, it's me. Just wanted to let you know I'm bringing home some carryout from this little hole-in-the-wall I found a few days ago called Campbell's. They have some great lasagna."

"Lasagna from a place called Campbell's?" Holly asked. "Sounds more like an Irish stew place to me."

Selina laughed and said, "No, it's Italian. Maria Campbell's maiden name was Gabrielli."

"Well, whatever you get, get a lot of it. That new stray you picked up a couple nights ago has been eating everything in sight."

"That would be the fat orange one, right?" Selina said. "Seems like all he does is eat and sleep. Anyway, I'll be there in about 15."

Fifteen minutes later on the dot, she walked through the apartment door with a large pan that was giving off a delightful aroma. She set the pan down on the kitchen counter and turned to take off her coat. She pulled a couple of plates out of the cupboard and was ready to start scooping the lasagna out when an orange flash flew through the kitchen and jumped on the counter. Just as the cat was about to tear the foil off the top of the pan, Selina picked him up by the scruff of the neck and put him on the floor.

"This isn't your food," she scolded him, pointing toward the large bowls of cat food that took up the better part of the floor at the base of the kitchen's far wall. The cat sniffed at the bowls and promptly returned to the kitchen counter, this time reaching a fat paw onto Selina's plate.

"Hey, I said no!" she said sharply, and deposited him on the floor again. He looked around for a moment before sauntering out of the kitchen. Selina finished filling her plate and was about to do the same for Holly when she heard a crash from the next room.

Holly's voice rang out, "I could use a hand here."

Selina put down the plates and hurried into the living room to find Holly standing in the middle of a large pile of books and trying to hold up the bookcase they used to be on. Between the two of them, they got the bookcase righted again, and Selina asked, "What happened?"

"That *!#%^& orange furball happened, that's what!" Holly snapped. "He came out here, climbed up on the window sill, and started pushing until the bookcase tipped."

"Alright, cat, that's about enough," Selina said, looking around for the guilty feline. "Where did he go anyway?"

"Maybe he took a long walk off a short pier," Holly said. "Forget him, though. I'm starved."

"Same here," Selina agreed. "We'll pick up the books later."

She and Holly went back to the kitchen to find the orange cat perched on the counter, eating the lasagna out of the pan as fast as he could.

Selina picked up the cat, and looking him straight in the eye, was about launch into a stern lecture when the doorbell rang. She handed the cat to Holly and answered the door.

"Hi, I'm Jon Arbuckle, and I'm looking for Garfield, my cat. Somebody told me that the lady who lived in this apartment took in strays, and so he might be here." He paused before adding (in what he must've considered a suave tone of voice), "They didn't tell me the lady would be so good-looking, though."

Selina sighed and called out, "Holly, bring me the orange cat. There's somebody here to claim him." Then taking the cat from Holly, she thrust him into Jon's arms and said, "Here, and you're welcome to him. By the way, you owe me one pan of lasagna."

Jon raised his eyebrows, and while he re-asserted his hold on Garfield, he asked, "Is that an invitation? I'd love to take you out for some Italian cuisine."

"I beg your pardon?" Selina replied, more than a little incredulously.

Jon obliviously continued, "You know, I've heard that Italian food is the unspoken language of love."

Between clenched teeth, Selina half-growled, "Holly, have you seen my whip?"

"Oooh, kinky," Jon oozed. "I'm generally more of a Mr. Romance, myself, but for a beautiful woman…."

Selina took a deep breath, and the hard edge on her face immediately softened as she leaned seductively against the doorjamb.

"I'd be honored to go to dinner with a man so ... refined ... as you," she cooed breathlessly. "But the place I had in mind, well, you're just not dressed for that place. I have just the thing for you, though. Let me have your shirt and pants, and I'll bring it to you."

Jon showed remarkable agility in removing his shirt and pants without losing his hold on Garfield, and standing there in his t-shirt and boxers, and he handed the clothes to Selina.

She took them, whispered, "I'll be right back," and closed the door. A moment later, she opened the door just wide enough to slip her arm through, and handed him a gift bag before closing the door again.

Holly giggled and watched through the peephole as Jon pulled a bright orange jumpsuit out of the bag. He held it up and Holly read on the back of it the stenciled words, "Property of Arkham Asylum." She doubled over laughing and turned around in time to see Selina toss Jon's shirt and pants out the window.

"Holly", Selina said, "I'm going to take a shower. Would you call Mr. Wu's for delivery? I'm not in the mood for Italian anymore."


	9. Nightwing & Snoopy

Oracle was closely studying a map of Gotham city when she heard a sound and saw a dripping wet Nightwing slip into the Clocktower.

"What happened to you?" she asked. "No, wait, before you tell me, go dry off and get into some dry clothes. Even a Former Boy Wonder isn't immune from catching a cold."

He nodded and padded back toward the bathroom, stopping at the closet to grab a large towel and some dry clothes he kept here for just such an occasion. He peeled off his uniform, toweled himself off vigorously, and slipped into a t-shirt and jeans. He opened the bathroom door to hear Babs call out, "Go ahead and throw the wet stuff in the washer."

A few moments later, she heard the washing machine start, and then she looked up to see Dick sit on a chair next to her, a cup of coffee in his hand.

"So," she said, "what happened?"

"Kind of strange, to be honest," he said. "Is there anybody who has threatened to poison the harbor or fill it with hallucinogens?"

"I don't think so," she said. "Let me check." A few quick mouse-clicks, and she shook her head. "Nope, not lately. Why?"

"Because I know I rescued somebody," he said. "But I don't think I'm exactly remembering it right."

"Tell me what you do remember," she replied.

"Well," he began. "I was coming into Gotham, riding the bike along the road that goes along Gotham Harbor. Suddenly, I heard an airplane, something old, propeller driven, and it was having trouble. Only thing is, when I looked up, I didn't see a plane I saw .... oh, you'll think this is crazy."

"Try me," she said, a hint of an amused smile playing around her lips.

"Okay," he sighed, "I would've sworn it was a flying doghouse. With smoke coming out of the back."

Babs just nodded and said, "Keep going."

"The ... 'doghouse' ... was coming down, headed for the harbor, so I parked the bike and started toward the water. It came down with a pretty good splash, and started to sink. So I began to swim out to it." He looked up at her, waiting for a reaction that didn't come, so he continued. "It floated for a little bit before it started to sink. I got there just before it went under, and I managed to grab hold of the pilot. He must've been flying in an air show, or something like that, because he was wearing these old World War I goggles and scarf. I brought him to the shore, but when I looked at him, ... "

"Let me guess," she said. "It was a white beagle with a big black spot on its back."

He looked at her incredulously. "How did you know? Yeah, it was a beagle. He shook himself off, and then he saluted me. Then he reached up and kissed me on the nose." He paused to shrug. "Then he walked off, and I'd swear he was whistling 'It's A Long Way To Tiperary'."

She pulled up the map of Gotham she had been studying and said, "Well, the good news is that, as bad as the pollution might be, there wasn't anything in the water that was causing hallucinations." She gave him a quick re-cap of the other encounters of the last few days, beginning with Batman and Mr. Mxyzptlk and ending with Catwoman's experience with Garfield. She clicked a few buttons, and there was a new flashing light on the map. Just above the words "Gotham Harbor", she typed, "Nightwing - Snoopy."

"Snoopy?" he asked. "You're telling me I really saved Snoopy from the Peanuts comics?"

She nodded, but before she could respond, Batman's voice came from behind her. "Oracle, it's time to deal with Mxyzptlk once and for all."

She and Dick both looked up to see both the Dark Knight and Zatanna. Then Batman asked, "How familiar are you with the comics in the paper?"


	10. Everyone Vs Mxyzptlk

_Author's note: This has been edited from the original, which contained a brief segment involving a fandom that is not permitted on this site. That scene was re-written with a suitable replacement to maintain the flavor of the story._

_Historical note: In 1945, during a newspaper strike, New York mayor Fiorello LaGuardia was noted for reading the comics over the radio to the children of the city._

"So far, Mxyzptlk has used characters from FoxTrot, the Family Circus, Garfield, Dilbert, Peanuts, Hagar The Horrible, Calvin & Hobbes, and Luann, and those are only the ones we know about," said Batman. "It needs to come to a stop now."

"What's the plan?" Dick asked. "I don't remember ever seeing you look at the comics."

"No reason to up to now," Batman replied. "That's where you come in."

He handed Babs a disk and said, "The 5th dimension magic he uses leaves a unique energy trail. With this data on how to isolate that energy, you should be able to track his appearances via satellite."

"Then you want me to go play Fiorello LaGuardia to him?" Dick asked.

Batman ignored the comment and said, "Oracle will track Mxyzptlk, and as she pinpoints each new location, Zatanna will create an appropriate response, based on suggestions from Nightwing. Contact Robin for his input as well. I'll be in touch via com-link to follow and undo any damage." With that, he leapt from the window and was soon lost in the Gotham skyline.

Zatanna and Nightwing napped while Oracle ran the data on the disk and cobbled together some code that would let her trace his energy signature with her favorite military tracking satellite.

"Rise and shine," Oracle called out as she brewed a pot of coffee and poured three cups. She handed two of the cups, as well as the morning paper, to Dick and Zatanna. They opened it up to the comic section while Oracle established her satellite link.

"Alright, we've got something," she said. Zooming the satellite's cameras into an area of the Gotham suburbs, she said, "There he is. Are you two ready?"

Dick nodded, and pointing to one of the comics spread out on the table, he said to Zatanna, "How about starting with this one?"

**********

Mr. Mxyzptlk whistled as he wandered down the residential streets, considering the possibilities for fun during the Gotham morning commute. Suddenly the door of one of the houses opened, and a man with a black suit and a red bow tie dashed down the walk toward a waiting car. He didn't see the imp standing on the sidewalk, and ran over him in his race to meet his carpool.

Mxyzptlk had just sat up, and was looking around for his hat when a woman appeared at the door and called out, "Dagwood! You forgot your lunch!"

Dagwood braked hard and reversed course back to the front door. Mxyzptlk managed to avoid him as Blondie handed her absent-minded husband his lunch, but he didn't get out of the way fast enough to keep from getting run over again as Dagwood headed back to the car.

"That was no fun," grumbled Mxyzptlk. And a purple flash appeared as the imp disappeared.

**********

"Okay," Oracle called out. "He's on the move. He's over at the dog run. What's our next move?"

Zatanna glanced at the comics page, smiled, and said, "I've got just the thing."

**********

Mxyzptlk sat on the park bench watching people walking their dogs, and was thinking about which dog looked like he would be the most fun with the gift of speech. Suddenly, everyone scattered as a huge Great Dane flew into the park, dragging his hapless owner along behind him.

The imp was beginning to think that he should choose someplace new to find his fun when the dog veered off the path toward a tree, then back around the bench. In less time than it took for his owner to say, "Heel, Marmaduke, for the love of God, HEEL", the leash had been wound around Mxyzptlk's shoulders and head. If his mouth wasn't covered, what proceeded would probably not have been fit for the funny pages. Then there was another purple flash, and the leash fell to the ground.

**********

"He's out of the suburbs now," Oracle said. "He's at the national guard base now."

Dick and Zatanna both pointed at the same strip simultaneously.

**********

"A military base, the best of both worlds," Mxyzptlk said to himself. "A little safer with order and discipline, and that same order and discipline should be fun to upset!"

He still looked both ways before beginning to walk across the parade ground. He was halfway across when he heard somebody yell, "Beetle Bailey! Get back here or I'll pulverize you!"

Mxyzptlk spun around as a scrawny private zigzagged his way around him. He hadn't quite caught his breath, though, when a hefty Army drill sergeant and his platoon charged after the runaway private. Without the private's agility, though, they simply ran over the top of the imp.

"The residential area is no good," he muttered. "Same for the park and the army base. Where else can I try?"

**********

Oracle touched her com-link and said, "Batman, you'd better get over to the east side of town. Looks like he's headed for Ketcham Elementary."

"On my way," came back the curt reply. "How are things on your end?"

"No visual confirmation," she said, "But his pattern of disappearing and reappearing suggests we've got him on the run."

Oracle turned to Dick and Zatanna and said, "What's next?"

**********

"This is just the thing," Mxyzptlk said, looking up at the school. "Nobody speeds in a school zone."

Before he could think of anything else to do, the school bell rang and the doors flew open to release the flood of children.

"Oh, no, no, no, no!" he muttered as he looked around him for a clear path. He was startled by a squeal right behind him, and a red-haired girl with glasses ran past him. As she flew down the sidewalk, she hollered over her shoulder, "Dennis Mitchell, get that thing away from me!"

He turned to see who she was talking to just in time for a blond haired boy in red coveralls to run into him. They both fell to the ground, and the frog in the boy's hands got away from him, jumping up onto Mxyzptlk's head and then away from him into the bushes.

"Oh, no," Dennis said, "I dropped my frog. Mister, did you see where he went?"

Without answering, Mxyzptlk disappeared into another purple flash and reappeared in the food court of a large shopping mall.

**********

"Looks like his running out of places to run," Oracle crowed. Turning back toward the table where the newspaper was spread out, she pointed to one strip in particular.

"This was always one of my favorites," she said. "Maybe he could use some of her advice?"

**********

Mxyzptlk sipped on a large ice cream soda, his eyebrows furrowed. "This place is turning out to be no fun at all!" he said.

"Have you tried the new game room at the other end of the mall?" an older woman at a nearby table asked.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"I'm sorry," she said, "but I couldn't help but overhear you. If you're looking for fun, the game room is very popular."

"Who ARE you?" he asked suspiciously.

"My name is Mrs. Worth," she said. "But my friends call me Mary."

Mxyzptlk raised his eyebrows and said, "You're Mary Worth?"

With a flash he reappeared in the sky over the mall.

"Somebody's trying to play my own games against me," he said. "Time to find out who and have some REAL fun!" He narrowed his eyes and after a moment, he said, "Ah ha!"

**********

"This is odd," Oracle said. "His energy trail leads to … right here. Batman, can you get over here?"

"En route," he replied. "Batman out."

Oracle and Dick looked around cautiously while Zatanna closed her eyes, trying to hone in on anything out of the ordinary in the magical realm.

"So you're the ones trying to ruin my fun!" said a voice, which preceded a purple flash and the appearance of the imp in the Clocktower.

"Mxyzptlk!" they said, almost in union.

"In the 5th dimensional flesh," he said. "Came to visit the folks who think they can match wits with me and ruin my good time!"

"What's a good time for you isn't usually a good time for anyone else," Dick said.

"Who ever said I was worried about anybody else's good time?" replied Mxyzptlk.

"And are you having a good time?" said a voice from the window as Batman made his entrance.

"I was, but somehow, SOMEBODY was ruining it for me."

"Actually," said Zatanna, "that would've been me."

"Oh. You," Mxyzptlk said dryly. "And what makes you think your 'magic' can beat my 5th dimension science?"

"We had to try," she said.

"By copying my shtick?" he asked indignantly. "You couldn't even beat me straight out. You had to copy my jokes."

"She couldn't do anything against you directly," Batman said. "Her ability depends on speaking backwards. But we have enough trouble saying your name forward."

Dick said, "I tried. Klit-pa-zy-is-ix-um?"

"No," Oracle said. "I think it's Kelt-pa-zy-ex-um."

"Closest I could come was Ka-lit-a-pa-zy-ex-im," said Zatanna.

"No wonder you people couldn't beat me," crowed Mxyzptlk. "You all think you're so smart, and you can't even say Kltpzyxm?"

A crestfallen look covered the imp's face as he began to be surrounded with purple energy, and as he faded into nothingness, they heard his disembodied voice say one last thing.

"Aw, nuts!"

**********

A late brunch at Wayne Manor was served by Alfred, who noted with some amusement that, as Tim and Dick were reading the comics, Bruce was right with them, looking over their shoulder and reading along with them.

"Have they moved the financial section, Master Bruce?"

"No, Alfred," Bruce said. "I underestimated the need to be more conversant with popular culture. I'm attempting to correct that shortcoming."

Standing up, he said, "As long as I'm at it, I wonder if you could arrange to begin taping some things while I'm on patrol. Maybe something like 'Desperate Housewives'?"


End file.
